


But My Aching Soul

by Daiako (Achrya)



Series: Kinktober 2017 [5]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: ...Kinda, Changelings, Eldritch, Identity Issues, Lovecraftian Monster(s), M/M, Sexual Content, This is weird, sigh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 15:34:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12279381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Achrya/pseuds/Daiako
Summary: On some level Fili thinks he always knew he didn’t belong with his family. Something just never felt quite right. Now it’s time to return to where he came from, but first…first he’s going to have the one thing he’s wanted and denied himself.Kinktober, Prompts are changeling, against a wall





	But My Aching Soul

**Author's Note:**

> Uhhhhhh...I want to apologize to the person who gave me this prompt. There is no way this is what they had in mind. I'm not sure but this might be borderline tentacle porn, if you squint and think about it.

If Fili is being honest with himself he thinks he's always known, somewhere deep within himself, that he didn't for with his family. They all had fine features, almost delicate, and the same brown hair. His hair was unique, gold in a sea of brown, and his features more blunt and wide. But his eyes, they said, he had the Durin eyes, blue and sharp.

Until he got older and his eyes lightened and lightened and took on a silvery sheen. One day he woke up, looked at himself, and realized that his eyes were blue like water can be blue, thinly, transparently, barely blue at all. By the time he was of age no one said he had the Durin eyes anymore. No one tried to tell him he had hair like poor, dead uncle Frerin, because Frerin's had begun to darken before he died and Fili's just got brighter and brighter. No one told him he had his father's nose, because they could all see he had no one's anything. They loved him anyway, as best as they could (Except Kili, who loved him wholeheartedly, endlessly, and without any hesitation), and he did his best to love them in turn, even though he knew he didn't do it quite right. 

There were other things. They could all hear the stone, feel the shift and groan of the earth beneath fingertips and toes, but Fili never did. They loved the glimmer of gold and gems but there was no deep love of such things in his heart. They lingered in the in between places, at shore lines, in doorways and arches, at gates, as if it were nothing but to Fili tarrying there brought an itching below his skin and a strange sense of dread, as if he were standing in the edge of a cliff and staring straight down into nothing. 

Or something. Everything. 

...that was, perhaps, a bit dramatic. 

Sometimes he pictured himself there and it was real; salt water lingering on his skin, damp air blowing his hair back, and darkness stretching out below him, writhing and boiling. He was too big, oddly shaped, hunched and terrible and he stood on the edge and looked and it looked back with a thousand unblinking eyes, reached for him with dripping limbs, called to him in a voice that made black tar drip from his sensitive ears and too many eyes amd brittle squirming edges and

He'd blink and be back wherever he was originally. 

He felt wrong in his skin, too big, ill fitting, straining to escape between breaths and heartbeats, only to calm and settle on the exhale then swell too large between the next beat. He wondered at night, when everything was still and time slowed to a crawl, when he’d finally inhale the wrong way and split open from head to toe to let whatever he really was slide free. Dwalin liked to say he carried himself like he was taller than the trees and made of mithril, a joke because sometimes he acted like he was untouchable and above them all, but he wondered if maybe the old hardened warrior had stood on the edge of darkness a time or two and saw him differently than most.

Dwalin seemed like the type who would know too much, live too long, look into the darkness and never ever flinch. 

When she came to him, this pale haired, silver eyed, wide featured dam who smiled with too many sharp teeth, reached for him with fingers too long and arms that bent the wrong way one moment then righted themselves the next, and shifted beneath her skin like it didn't quite fit. She had blood on her breath and mouths that could crack bones.This dam who said she was his real mother, that she'd left him, swapped him with a proper dwarf babe for one reason or another (maybe because it was fun. Maybe out of necessity. What did it matter?) He knew he should fight it, tell her she was wrong, that he knew who he was, knew his family but Fili had never been much for needless fuss.

He already knew. Truth settled on him like a worn cloak, settled in his chest and wound around his heart.

When she said he was something else, something old and near forgotten, and that it was long last time to come home he nodded his understanding. It was time, he felt it in the shifting of his bones and the ache in his teeth. He did not belong here, not really, and everything was unraveling, trying to slink out of the cracks in his skin and he'd known that too. 

But he couldn't leave just yet. She smiled and the sky darkened, split, and unleashed a downpour onto them. She left him there, under the rain, slithering away and leaving cracked earth and ice in her wake.

Getting Kili alone was easy. They're always together and when they aren’t it's only a matter of time before they start looking. Kili finds him at home, sitting out front, still soaking wet. Night has fallen and Fili knows a chill has set in; it sat over his skin, a fine frost that cracks when he breathes, but it doesn't penetrate. He doesn't feel it at all, but he does feel the warmth of Kili’s fingers when he gripped him tight to haul to his feet. He listened with half an ear as he was forced inside and Kili began stripping him of his coat. 

“Have you lost your mind? You're freezing! I thought you were the responsible one?” Kili glared down at him with a fierceness that warmed Fili inside. The bottom of his tunic was grabbed and dragged up, blocking his brother from his view and muffling his words. “If this is you trying to get out of work tomorrow let me tell you I won’t have it, I don't care how sick you are I’m not helping Uncle make all those horse shoes alone.” 

His tunic hit the floor with a wet squelch and was followed quickly by his under layers, leaving his chest bare. A push forced him back into a chair; Kili dropped to his knees and began to pull at his boots, voice deepening to mimic Thorin. 

“You know how he is when you aren't around to get lectured instead of me. Be more serious Kili, pay more attention Kili, listen to this boring story of Erebor for the twentieth time and take something from it Kili. Don’t you wish your brother was here so I could put the weight of being a decent dwarf on his shoulders instead Kili.” One boot was tossed uncaringly over Kili’s shoulder to parts unseen in the darkness. “I will carry your dead body to the forge before I endure that.” 

Fili touched the top of Kili’s head, curled a strand of dark hair around a finger. Kili stilled for a moment, words faltering and then he was standing, taking Fili’s boot with him, and trying to turn away. Fili caught him, hauled him into the space between his parted thighs, made him bend towards him. 

“Fee.” Kili whispered, eyes wide. “What-” 

He crushed their mouths together, swallowing Kili’s surprised squeak. 

They’d done this once before. A archery lesson Fili was only interested in because Kili’s eyes lit up at the prospect of teaching him something. They hadn’t even gotten to the bow, if he remembered it right. Kili had been behind him, hands moving his body to show him how he should stand, how to draw his arm back, how to hold his head. His brother had moved against him, hair tickling the back of his neck and something had made Fili turn his head to look back at the same moment Kili looked up. Fili remembered breathing out, trying to look away, and then they’d been sharing the same air, stumbling into each other, clinging as the world tilted. 

It ended as suddenly as it began, a need for air causing them to break apart and the lack of contact hitting Fili like ice water being dumped over his head. He’d backed off and Kili had let him, face an unreadable mask as Fili told him it couldn’t happen again. 

They were brothers and there were lines not meant to be crossed. 

This time he held tight, drew him down into his lap, put his hands everywhere he can get them as he drug his mouth over the curve of his neck, nipped along his jaw, and tasted his mouth. Kili sighed into his mouth, legs and arms tightening around him. His expression was one of pain, furrowed brows and eyes shut tight, but he met him touch for touch, kiss for kiss. 

“You said,” Kili moaned against his lips, fingers grabbing fistful of his hair and pulling. “You said we couldn’t.” 

He can remember being younger, when Kili was small enough that he was as likely to tip over and fall as stay on his feet, and his name was all his brother would say. He can remember that, even then, he’d looked at Kili and thought ‘mine, this is mine, always.’ And not in the selfish way of children who think everything revolves around them, but in a way that opened a dark chasm with teeth and claws in his chest, that told him to dig in with talons, to bite down until there was blood in his mouth, to tear and pull and remake in the terrible image of his nightmares. 

Kili awakened something old and hungry in Fili, had dug a great yawning hole into him that nothing could fill, but he told himself to only skirt the edges of because this was his brother. 

He is, still, but he isn’t. It hardly matters, in the great scheme of things. 

He couldn’t have left without this. 

Kili’s shirts joined his on the floor, scattered about, and it’s a good thing their parents weren’t due to return for weeks because Fili was certain he’d do something awful to anyone who interrupted this. He stood, one arm under Kili’s thighs to hold him up, and if his brother spared a thought for how it shouldn’t be so easy for Fili to lift him he kept it to himself. They almost made it to the bed but the door refused to be opened, handle slipping under his sweaty hand, and Fili decided to leave it. He made Kili stand against it, pushed their pants down just enough to take them both in hand. 

The world quaked and burned, everything falling to ash and darkness around the edges as he stroked them together, precum and sweat easing the friction, and Kili lets out a harsh punched out noise. He turns his face to the side, looks away, and Fili buries his face into his neck, fixed his mouth to a spot and closed his eyes. It was hard and fast, as uncomfortable as anything else. Fire and ice clashed in Fili’s veins, leaked out in waves, and Kili’s hand shot up to tangle in his hair again. 

He felt fingers touching something that shouldn’t be there, a shock of crawling sensation in his scalp as fingertips touched, curled, held. Kili started to turn his head, meaning to look, and Fili slammed a hand over his eyes, keeping him from doing so. 

“Don’t.” He rasped out, mouth stretched and rows of teeth gnashing, hips rocking forward in time with the pumping of his hand. “Don’t.” 

He knew, instinctively, that Kili would break if he looked at him. 

Maybe he would have done it anyway, Kili was contrary to the point of stupidity, but he was arching up, whimpering, spilling over Fili’s hand and cock. He slumps into his arms, quiet and shuddering, and Fili holds him, worried at the dark mark blooming on his throat. 

He should leave it there but he doesn’t. Instead he led Kili into the bedroom, hand still over his brother’s eyes, got him onto the bed they once shared, before they’d gotten old enough for a second one to be moved in, boots and all and fell between his legs. One hand slipped down and back, pushed and stretched until Kili was panting wetly, tears sliding down from under Fili’s hands, clenching the sheets so tightly his knuckles were going white. He settled over him, spread himself over Kili’s body, and pushed into him. 

Fili stayed closer, barely pulling out for short rocking thrusts. His brother was warm and pliant beneath him, open, soft, and sucking him in deeper, gasped his name out like a chant. A hand here, a hand there- too many hands and things that weren’t hands, slick and wriggling, clutching and sticking to all the bare skin he could. He knew Kili had to notice but he said nothing, kept his hands where they were, and let him take what he wanted. 

He would wonder, some other time, if Kili had always known, had seen past to what lurked beneath his skin just the same as Fili had. 

But in this moment there are other things, seeping darkness and stars behind his lids and Kili’s face under his hand when he blinks his eyes open, pinched and tear streaked, teeth cutting into his lower lip. Fili kissed him again, careful of his own teeth, and came apart with a shudder.

He left in the middle of the night, walked until he found the edge of the sea, and walked further still. 

\---

Kili woke the morning after and knew right away that the dwarf sitting at the end of his bed was not his Fili. His Fili was larger than life, fearless, and looked out on the world with silvery blue eyes that sometimes, sometimes, blinked the wrong way and let him see stars behind them. This one was small, shivering, curled in on himself, with Durin blue eyes. 

This Fili looked at him, winced, looked away. Kili pulled the blanket tighter around his body and rolled over to look at the wall, made his mind stay blank. 

“It wasn’t me.” The Fili who wasn’t his Fili said. 

If he were to let himself think about it, really think, Kili is sure he’s known all along. 

**Author's Note:**

> The inability to stay in one tense might? Be on purpose. I feel like that's how the story wants to be? I have considered editing but there's something to it, like time switching and sliding and pausing, that feels right. 
> 
>  
> 
> Idk. I'm thinking about it too hard.


End file.
